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foxalpha:

falstafff:

i don’t understand why people don’t instantly respond to “what would your dream superpower be” with the ability to manipulate probability.
think about it. what’s the chance someone will drop 1mil in front of me? 0%? let’s make that 100%. what’s the probability i’ll wake up tomorrow and be X gender? 100%. what’s the probability my bathtub is filled with mac and cheese? 100%.

as a casino employee I can confirm this would be terrifying as fuck

"And most important, I’ll choose to believe that sometimes the happiest ending isn’t the one you keep longing for, but something you absolutely cannot see from where you are."
-

Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

(via twloha)


baby:  d... d... d...
father:  ...dad? omg you are going to say dad as your first word!!!
baby:  d... dONT WANNA BE AN AMERICAN IDIOT
baby:  *guitar sounds from baby's mouth*
"Be with someone who would drive five hours, just to see you for one."

irenigg:

metrogoon:

If you’d rather go to a club than a museum, you deserve to be unhappy.

museum? what the fuck is in a museum? they got bitches in museums? alive bitches?

hallelujah-youngandloaded:

actualucifer:

actualucifer:

my neighbours kept coming up to me and going “we need a special greeting!” so i entered it as “hail Satan” and now they say “hail Satan” every time they see me

guys can we just
this is animal crossing
i put that in the tags but nobody is reblogging with tags and i’m worried that everyone actually thinks i live on a street where people yell HAIL SATAN at each other

well you certainly live up to your url

As a random thought…

morenavbby:

So in the comics Hawkeye has 80% hearing loss.

The Black Widow is Russian.

Can you imagine when they’re on a mission and something goes wrong; the police are about to arrest them and they fall back on Plan H.

Black Widow, “So remember, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English”

fight-0ff-yourdem0ns:

I just wanna have abs…olutely all the pasta and breadsticks

admiral-nepeta:

putting effort into a post

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posting a crappy joke you made in 5 seconds

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